As I sit here blubbering in my Ben & Jerry’s Cheesecake Brownie, I think back to yesterday’s post about facing fears head-on, staring down the boogeyman or spectre, defeating the boggart in the closet…but today I am a bit more cautious.
Today is a raw, gaping hole that has to be faced down, gulped down. And I have to allow the bitter tears to cleanse the pain away.
The horrible news that got today was that my beloved and very cranky pain-in-the-ass feline Roxy Le Kat is in third stage renal failure. To say I am devastated is an understatement.
If there is such a thing as a animal/human bond, then I had found it with Roxy. She was…is… force of nature and our relationship was identified by battles…humorous cat/human conflicts that were compiled of forced retreats and wins. Usually by her. She would plant a sword in the sand and bark her demands like a ginger haired Napoleon hepped up on cat nip. She even has her own Facebook page.
Over the course of our nine years we had two major food wars that lasted days. I, desperate to get her to eat, would truck all over San Francisco trying to find food for her that was healthy. I would hit Jeremy’s for raw food: rejected. Or try Paul Newman’s cat food: rejected. Wellness: rejected. Spots Stew: rejected. She wanted her crack cocaine: Friskies or Meow Mix and wasn’t going to give quarter. I eventually broke down and gave her what she wanted. Roxy Le Kat=2, Me=0 What it took me years to learn was that she would fight tooth and nail for what she wanted.
After the food wars, there were others, over territory, which would result in toe biting or nudging. Or the simple quite times when she would sleep on the guest pillow on my double bed right next to me, like another human being, settling in for the night. I would tuck the duvet around her and she would be off like a light. If I had nightmares, she would wake me up. Mornings, I would find her kissing my forehead…or if she wanted to play….biting it. When I came home from work she would run down the loft stairs to greet me at the door. She always knew when I was upset, would hop on my chest and cross her front paws like a prim Victorian miss, her wise eyes trying to impart some cosmic wisdom.
Out of all the things I pushed away in my life, including her, she eventually broke down every wall…every rampart. She changed my life for the better. By giving her free reign, the freedom to be who she wanted to be without restraint, taught me that the most precious things in life are freely given. I was rewarded ten-fold. I discovered love could not be controlled, constrained or worked upon. It exists as freely as the wind blowing and it is in each and every one of us. It flowers everywhere.
With that love I am going to have to recognize the decision looming in the very near future. I will have to think of her first, her quality of life, and face down the pain to do the right thing for her.
I keep on thinking of what my BFF Tamara said one day when we were hanging out and she was roughhousing with Rox.
She looked over to me and in that classic eyebrow raise of hers said, “Dude! Roxy rules this roost.”
I smiled back, “Yep. She does”.
What am I going to do without her?